Vacation Reflections

My old boss and mentor, Don, once told me to use my vacations to learn more about myself and to not waste them just sitting around doing nothing. He said when you return to work after a vacation, you should be a slightly different person. I've always taken that to heart and ever since have tried to make the most of my time away.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately. I've had months and months of questioning myself, my choices, my fears, my own harsh judgments of myself. This week has brought a lot of breakthroughs in my attempts to be on the correct path - without really knowing what that was. I'm not sure I do even now, but at least I now know that I can only take one step at a time. For a long time I think I've been running with one foot and walking with the other. Basically, running in circles.

My time with my two sisters, Caren and Megan, and my three nephews made me face a lot. When I got to Ithaca, I learned that their, and mine, uncle had died. It didn't compute for me. I lost out on time with someone that I never got to know. Not by choice, but because that choice was taken away from me. I realized that is the reason (or one of them) for my on-going anger with my father. He took away from me, from my sisters, from the rest of my family, the shared history and opportunity to know one another, good or bad. I felt and still feel bad that I couldn't be more supportive to my sisters, because I know this loss was very tough for them, but how do you come up with those words? 'I'm sorry you lost your uncle? Who is really mine too but I don't know him?' It may sound weird, but I was even denied an opportunity to grieve or be supportive for their grief because I couldn't put a name on anything I was feeling.

I'm also mad at my father because he is basically a stranger. I share half of his DNA but we don't really know any truths about each other. I know his past, not from him, but from others. I know his current, not from him, but from others. It made me realize that what upset me most was the thought of, "who the hell walks away from their child?" Not someone I can have any real respect for. He may have done me a favor, but he also took a route that was to make himself feel better. For a long time this anger was bottled up and put in a place of, 'what's the point of worrying over what you can't change?' I'm no longer worrying about it but I am acknowledging it. I'm angry and I have every right to be.

I do have my sisters now though, and the more time we spend together the more time we can create that shared history we missed out on. We got drunk and acted stupid. We laughed. I may have cried once or twice. We talked, pretty much non-stop, for 4 whole days. I got to attend my oldest nephews, Andrew's, first real little league game, and when I watched him round home, I got tears in my eyes. I got to be there for that. A moment I'm sure he'll remember forever. And now, so will I. I can't change the past, but I can alter the present so that in the future I will have wonderful memories.

Knowing that I have now lost two uncles to cancer and have an aunt who is very sick, also with cancer, has given me a sense of my own mortality. My mother's side of the family, is, for the most part, very healthy. Now that I know the same isn't true for the other side of the family, I realized I need to make some changes in my life in order to live the healthiest life possible. Immediately upon returning from NYC I started a new, lower fat diet, and started exercising again. In one week I've already lost 7 pounds. Since I'd gained 30 in the past year, I instantly realized how poorly I had been treating myself. I am now fully re-commited to making lasting life style changes. I can't risk anything else.

I have cried many times today. Not all of it out of sadness. Some, but not all. For the first time in a long time, I really saw my baby boy. I see him daily, yes, but I saw him and all the hopes and dreams and worries and fears that he conjures. I saw him in a way that makes me smile while also cringing for how fast time passes. For the glory in the fact that I have this beautiful child at all. There was a time where I cursed God and anything else that would listen for not allowing my body to reproduce on it's own. Now, I need to thank that same God for bringing me the greatest present any human being can ever receive, the love of a child.

I also really saw my husband for the first time in a long time. Almost everyone who reads this knows we've had our plethora of problems lately. We have had to have some very intense conversations lately. I don't know to what end these conversations will bring us, but they need to happen. I know our problems won't be instantaneously changed, but, I don't know... I know I can't make any promises about our future but I could at least look at him today and know that if nothing else, I will always have a friend. He looked me directly in the eyes. I saw the love he truly has for me. This may seem small for some, but after not seeing each other for... a long time, it was huge. It was a step.

And lastly, for now, I am most grateful to my friends and family who have been here all week to listen to me, help me cope, and push me in the right direction. I may not have heard what I wanted to, but real friends don't tell you what you want to hear, they tell you what you need to hear. I am only in the last couple of years recognizing how important friendships are, and how necessary. I thought for the longest time if I had a partner by my side, that one person could be everything I needed. I know now that I can't rely on any one person to be everything for me.

In fact, the only person I have any control over and know I can always depend on, is me. After a week of really seeing me, I feel better about returning to work. I will be a slightly altered version of who I was before I left. Thanks Don. I hope you have some idea of how much you have meant to me. I miss you.