Thanksgiving... week

I was too tired from my food coma to comment before now. Thanksgiving was fun, if a tad stressful. I coped with copious amounts of alcohol. I didn't have to cook, which was awesome, but letting someone else control my kitchen was nerve wracking. Was also a stressful week in general due to the birth of Noah and an overloaded work schedule (but I got to bank holiday hours, so all is good).

Lissa and I in yet another installment of "dorks who take pictures of themselves."

A "happy" grandpa with his little guy and Finnley.

I liked it so much, it's going on the Christmas cards.

How better to show Zachary his toys than to empty his toy box.

Thanks for cooking mom!

One more example of drunk people and cameras don't mix.

and another... but I look so happy don't I?

The three boys.

Uncle Josh reading to the boys.

Baby Pictures

Kerrie knew she was going to be induced on Monday, as she was five days overdue and it was a holiday week. No doctor wants to be in the hospital on Thanksgiving. She called me after she got there, a little after 7am, and I headed out on my way. I had to stop for gas because I was a dork and forgot it the day before. I set out on my way (the hostpial is in Canandaigua, about a 1/2 hour from my house), speeding, because I missed her first birth. With Zach, she basically got to the hospital and she had delivered. This time I wasn't going to miss it. But.... I did need to stop for coffee. There is always time for coffee.

So, I get there at 9am, rushing, just to sit around and wait. They had started the pitocin but her contractions were still a few minutes apart and she was barely feeling them. Around 12:30p the doctor came to break her water. Almost immediately the contractions strengthened, but she was still only 3 1/2cm dilated. She was starting (ha) to be a bit uncomfortable and asked for Nubain. That lasted about 45 minutes. She then wanted to be talked into an epidural. Having had one myself, that was my job. I'm all for a natural childbirth, but not such a huge advocate of pain.

After about and hour, the doctor came in to see a jubilant Kerrie, who realllly loved the epidural, and told her she had gone from 4 to 10cm and was ready to push. We were all a tad shocked. We all left her and Josh alone at that point. 20 minutes later? She had pushed him out. I had 2 1/2 hours of pushing, she got 20 minutes. Hardly seems fair.

Little feet:

Lissa, Noah and I:
The day after, Ryan gets to meet his new counsin:
Kerrie and I, the day after. Don't ask:
The whole family, with the newest edition:

Nubain, epidurals... oh my that was quick

I'd like to welcome my adorable nephew, Noah Damien, to the world. Mommy's, my little sister Kerrie, labor was not as easy as her first (by a long shot) but they both made it through safely. I'll post more details and pics when I can keep my eyes open.

Welcome little one and congrats Kerrie and Josh. You did good baby girl!

Skinny Love

1.Put your iTunes or MP3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. If you want to add commentary - go for it.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
This Heart is a Stone - Acid House Kings

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes (hahahahaha - perhaps true, except I have tiny hands)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Heron Blue - Sun Kil Moon (depressing but not inaccurate)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Calm like a Bomb - Rage Against the Machine

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Renegades of Funk - Rage Against the Machine

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Ladies of Cambridge - Vampire Weekend (I do love Boston, but not this much)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
When You Were Young - The Killers

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Tongue - Bell X1

WHAT IS 2+2?
The Night Starts Here- Stars

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Mushaboom - Feist (aweeee... true)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Want Someone Badly - Jeff Buckley

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Lover, You Should have Come Over - Jeff Buckley

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Nine Crimes - Damien Rice (not exactly)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Lovestain - Jose Gonzalez

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Grace is Gone - Dave Matthews Band (well, I can be a tad bit of a lush and a romantic... but really hope it's not what they think)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Lock and Key - Matt MacIntosh

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
When I Get to the Border - She & Him (creepy)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Choking the Cherry - Poe (pretty funny if my interpretation is correct)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Brighter than Sunshine - Aqualung

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Waiting for your Letter - Cary Brothers

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Knot Comes Loose - My Morning Jacket (eerie creepy)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Don't Let me Fall - Lenka

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Could We - Cat Powers

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
I'll Be Your Shelter - The Housemartins

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Come On Closer - Jem (*sigh*)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Good Woman - Cat Power

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Leisure Suite - Feist (um... huh?)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Tightrope - The Stone Roses (*sigh* again)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Sentimental Heart - She & Him

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
I am a Man of Constant Sorrow - The Soggy Bottom Boys

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Meandering rambling

Everyone who knows me fairly well knows that for the past few years, married life has presented any number of challenges. First, we bought a house. Then we became parents of a preemie. Then we decided to work different shifts to avoid day care. The we never saw each other and our attempts at maintaining any sex life vanished. Then, the relationship we'd always had, that had been so strong, began to falter too.

There are any number of reasons for this of course, but mostly, we let it happen. We both saw it happening, but for me, I was too tired to really give a crap and make attempts at changing it. He was there, he was a parent, he was a paycheck (yeah, I'm saying it), occasionally he'd be a companion, but really, the fabric that held us together had all but disappeared. We lived separate lives and neither the twain shall meet.

When you lose a relationship, it starts happening slowly. You don't really notice it. You get annoyed more often, but, we have a small child, that just happens right? Sex all but disappears from your vocabulary. Who has the time or enegry? The long talks become a few sentences telling each other what they need to do for the next shift. Who needs to connect when there is sleep to be had? Forget touching. Who needs that? Suddenly everything we did together became more chore-like than a voluntary activity for two people who genuinely liked one another.

I started thinking... is the grass really greener elsewhere? We don't connect. We don't have a marriage, we're roommates. And I've never done well with roommates. He's a great dad, but as a husband?? Eh, not so much. Would someone else make me happier? Would they be able to give me all the things Mark doesn't (like this is the only option - come on Sara!? You know better)? Is this living in a virtual hell of missed connections really worth it?

For three years I haven't had an answer. I hung in limbo land. I was not content there, but action seemed too hard. Confronting problems is challenging. Being vulnerable is scary. Asking for what you want and facing rejection produced more anxiety attacks than valium could fix. Could I really live on my own and raise a child? My therapist spurred me to action telling me I had three choice: change my marriage and make it livable, get divorced, or stay as things are and continue to get more and more frustrated, angry, and resentful. Her guess was that I'd choose the latter. (I don't think she believed that , FYI, she just told me that to get me to make a real decision about pushing myself forward or stepping out.) I did not find any option particularly appealing, but I knew she was right.

I know a lot of you, especially after a number of heart-to-hearts I've had with some wonderful friends, will say that you think I've chosen to give up. I thought I would myself a month ago. In fact, I almost did. I didn't say the words, but I implied them. He understood my meaning loud and clear. He suggested counseling, which I agreed to, but I didn't think would work - and honestly we've only been to two sessions so it hasn't played a real role in my change of heart.

What did change my mind? I'm not sure exactly what, but after a conversation with a close friend yesterday, I was certain it's what I need to do. I also had a clear realization that if I left divorce as an option on the table, I would use it. Divorce seems easier in so many ways than fighting to keep something together that I had no emotional investment in anymore. It's too hard, has led to too many tears, and has left me feeling more alone on many occasions that I did when I was single. That's not what marriage is about is it?

No, it's not. And mine can't be anymore either. I can't accept not getting my needs met and I can't let myself off the hook for not meeting his. He's not asking for much. I can throw him some kind words once in a while, acknowledge all he does for us, be there by his side when he needs me. That's not so hard. Right? Ok, yeah, it may be, especially on days when I feel like throttling him, but isn't it better than the alternative? I think so. I know my son would wholeheartedly agree. I also need to expect more from him, and when he isn't delivering, be loud and clear with what specifically he needs to change. I am very lucky that my spouse loves me and is willing to make the changes necessary. It's no easier for him, but I can sense that he's trying. That little nugget of hope is still left. I'm hoping the nuggest alone can become a big, solid, immoveable rock.

I may need some help along the way though. I know how I think. I know how I act. When things get tough, I retreat. I say things I don't mean in the heat of the moment to push him further away. I can't do that and expect anything to change. I can't think about the greener pastures, because even those could (and probably would, let's be honest) crash and burn. I chose the man and the life I did for a reason. I need to start re-discovering why.