Meandering rambling

Everyone who knows me fairly well knows that for the past few years, married life has presented any number of challenges. First, we bought a house. Then we became parents of a preemie. Then we decided to work different shifts to avoid day care. The we never saw each other and our attempts at maintaining any sex life vanished. Then, the relationship we'd always had, that had been so strong, began to falter too.

There are any number of reasons for this of course, but mostly, we let it happen. We both saw it happening, but for me, I was too tired to really give a crap and make attempts at changing it. He was there, he was a parent, he was a paycheck (yeah, I'm saying it), occasionally he'd be a companion, but really, the fabric that held us together had all but disappeared. We lived separate lives and neither the twain shall meet.

When you lose a relationship, it starts happening slowly. You don't really notice it. You get annoyed more often, but, we have a small child, that just happens right? Sex all but disappears from your vocabulary. Who has the time or enegry? The long talks become a few sentences telling each other what they need to do for the next shift. Who needs to connect when there is sleep to be had? Forget touching. Who needs that? Suddenly everything we did together became more chore-like than a voluntary activity for two people who genuinely liked one another.

I started thinking... is the grass really greener elsewhere? We don't connect. We don't have a marriage, we're roommates. And I've never done well with roommates. He's a great dad, but as a husband?? Eh, not so much. Would someone else make me happier? Would they be able to give me all the things Mark doesn't (like this is the only option - come on Sara!? You know better)? Is this living in a virtual hell of missed connections really worth it?

For three years I haven't had an answer. I hung in limbo land. I was not content there, but action seemed too hard. Confronting problems is challenging. Being vulnerable is scary. Asking for what you want and facing rejection produced more anxiety attacks than valium could fix. Could I really live on my own and raise a child? My therapist spurred me to action telling me I had three choice: change my marriage and make it livable, get divorced, or stay as things are and continue to get more and more frustrated, angry, and resentful. Her guess was that I'd choose the latter. (I don't think she believed that , FYI, she just told me that to get me to make a real decision about pushing myself forward or stepping out.) I did not find any option particularly appealing, but I knew she was right.

I know a lot of you, especially after a number of heart-to-hearts I've had with some wonderful friends, will say that you think I've chosen to give up. I thought I would myself a month ago. In fact, I almost did. I didn't say the words, but I implied them. He understood my meaning loud and clear. He suggested counseling, which I agreed to, but I didn't think would work - and honestly we've only been to two sessions so it hasn't played a real role in my change of heart.

What did change my mind? I'm not sure exactly what, but after a conversation with a close friend yesterday, I was certain it's what I need to do. I also had a clear realization that if I left divorce as an option on the table, I would use it. Divorce seems easier in so many ways than fighting to keep something together that I had no emotional investment in anymore. It's too hard, has led to too many tears, and has left me feeling more alone on many occasions that I did when I was single. That's not what marriage is about is it?

No, it's not. And mine can't be anymore either. I can't accept not getting my needs met and I can't let myself off the hook for not meeting his. He's not asking for much. I can throw him some kind words once in a while, acknowledge all he does for us, be there by his side when he needs me. That's not so hard. Right? Ok, yeah, it may be, especially on days when I feel like throttling him, but isn't it better than the alternative? I think so. I know my son would wholeheartedly agree. I also need to expect more from him, and when he isn't delivering, be loud and clear with what specifically he needs to change. I am very lucky that my spouse loves me and is willing to make the changes necessary. It's no easier for him, but I can sense that he's trying. That little nugget of hope is still left. I'm hoping the nuggest alone can become a big, solid, immoveable rock.

I may need some help along the way though. I know how I think. I know how I act. When things get tough, I retreat. I say things I don't mean in the heat of the moment to push him further away. I can't do that and expect anything to change. I can't think about the greener pastures, because even those could (and probably would, let's be honest) crash and burn. I chose the man and the life I did for a reason. I need to start re-discovering why.