Reflection on rehab

I came to Dallas to spend a week with a dear friend who had fallen on rough times. I saw it as a time to help her. What I did not expect was the healing that would happen in me.

Although the road to get here was bumpy, the trip was well worth the while. I can only hope I helped Joss as much as she helped me. It cemented a frendship I already knew was strong, but that other's doubted due to it's origins - meeting on MM. It also cemented another one, with Lisa, who, probably without even knowing it, opened a door for me to allow me to face some things I have been hiding from myself (and not the way you may think Lis, but in a much deeper way).

I can assure you all that Joss, although saddened about her current circumstances, is the rock we all know. She is my safe place, and a haven in the storms that rage in my head. I am not sure how my life would be without this week. I was in a downward spiral and wasn't even aware of the extent of it until now. She helped me figure out more in a week of just being in her presence than years of therapy have. She truly loves me exactly as I am. No fronts or pretenses necessary. There is no amount of gratitude I can pay her for being that person who just "gets me". She calls me on my BS, but loves me in ways I cannot love myself. She's the mirror I needed to get a good glimpse of what is in my heart. It's a friendship that defies explination, so I won't even try.

What this trip did most however, is make me reflect on my role as a parent, to confront my shortcomings, but to realize I may be doing a damn good job raising this little guy. I have gotten quality time in and found that, as a unit, we have flourished. I can look in my son's eyes with as much adoration and awe as I did the day he was born. I can realize that in many ways he saved my life. He gave me life as much as I gave it to him. I have sat with him, staring into his eyes, and am just filled with a complete-ness that I have never found in anyone else. He makes the world make sense. All I needed to do all this time was to just really look.

This week has left me feeling like life will be okay. I can live it, not just exist in it. I can make it be all I want it be, and that can be anything. My possibilities are limitless and I am not alone on the path through it. I have more love in my life, and now feel deserving of it, than I ever dreamed possible. Sometimes it takes an intervention to learn this.