Simply Sara

Monday, November 17, 2008

Meandering rambling

Everyone who knows me fairly well knows that for the past few years, married life has presented any number of challenges. First, we bought a house. Then we became parents of a preemie. Then we decided to work different shifts to avoid day care. The we never saw each other and our attempts at maintaining any sex life vanished. Then, the relationship we'd always had, that had been so strong, began to falter too.

There are any number of reasons for this of course, but mostly, we let it happen. We both saw it happening, but for me, I was too tired to really give a crap and make attempts at changing it. He was there, he was a parent, he was a paycheck (yeah, I'm saying it), occasionally he'd be a companion, but really, the fabric that held us together had all but disappeared. We lived separate lives and neither the twain shall meet.

When you lose a relationship, it starts happening slowly. You don't really notice it. You get annoyed more often, but, we have a small child, that just happens right? Sex all but disappears from your vocabulary. Who has the time or enegry? The long talks become a few sentences telling each other what they need to do for the next shift. Who needs to connect when there is sleep to be had? Forget touching. Who needs that? Suddenly everything we did together became more chore-like than a voluntary activity for two people who genuinely liked one another.

I started thinking... is the grass really greener elsewhere? We don't connect. We don't have a marriage, we're roommates. And I've never done well with roommates. He's a great dad, but as a husband?? Eh, not so much. Would someone else make me happier? Would they be able to give me all the things Mark doesn't (like this is the only option - come on Sara!? You know better)? Is this living in a virtual hell of missed connections really worth it?

For three years I haven't had an answer. I hung in limbo land. I was not content there, but action seemed too hard. Confronting problems is challenging. Being vulnerable is scary. Asking for what you want and facing rejection produced more anxiety attacks than valium could fix. Could I really live on my own and raise a child? My therapist spurred me to action telling me I had three choice: change my marriage and make it livable, get divorced, or stay as things are and continue to get more and more frustrated, angry, and resentful. Her guess was that I'd choose the latter. (I don't think she believed that , FYI, she just told me that to get me to make a real decision about pushing myself forward or stepping out.) I did not find any option particularly appealing, but I knew she was right.

I know a lot of you, especially after a number of heart-to-hearts I've had with some wonderful friends, will say that you think I've chosen to give up. I thought I would myself a month ago. In fact, I almost did. I didn't say the words, but I implied them. He understood my meaning loud and clear. He suggested counseling, which I agreed to, but I didn't think would work - and honestly we've only been to two sessions so it hasn't played a real role in my change of heart.

What did change my mind? I'm not sure exactly what, but after a conversation with a close friend yesterday, I was certain it's what I need to do. I also had a clear realization that if I left divorce as an option on the table, I would use it. Divorce seems easier in so many ways than fighting to keep something together that I had no emotional investment in anymore. It's too hard, has led to too many tears, and has left me feeling more alone on many occasions that I did when I was single. That's not what marriage is about is it?

No, it's not. And mine can't be anymore either. I can't accept not getting my needs met and I can't let myself off the hook for not meeting his. He's not asking for much. I can throw him some kind words once in a while, acknowledge all he does for us, be there by his side when he needs me. That's not so hard. Right? Ok, yeah, it may be, especially on days when I feel like throttling him, but isn't it better than the alternative? I think so. I know my son would wholeheartedly agree. I also need to expect more from him, and when he isn't delivering, be loud and clear with what specifically he needs to change. I am very lucky that my spouse loves me and is willing to make the changes necessary. It's no easier for him, but I can sense that he's trying. That little nugget of hope is still left. I'm hoping the nuggest alone can become a big, solid, immoveable rock.

I may need some help along the way though. I know how I think. I know how I act. When things get tough, I retreat. I say things I don't mean in the heat of the moment to push him further away. I can't do that and expect anything to change. I can't think about the greener pastures, because even those could (and probably would, let's be honest) crash and burn. I chose the man and the life I did for a reason. I need to start re-discovering why.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The first day of preschool... that was!

After all of my worry over missing Ry's first day of preschool, I realized I didn't need to worry. I was able to move stuff around again (which meant more work for me, but eh... c'est la vie) and made it just in time to see him acclimating to his new classroom. There were no tears for any of us. Surprisingly, not even for me. It all went pretty quick. We met the three teachers in class, brought him to a table to begin playing, and we told Ry we were leaving. Beyond asking why, and accepting our anser that he has to stay at school by himself, he didn't care. He went back to his toy and played happily. His teachers reported he did great. They had no problems. He was a pleasure.

Besides feeling a little un-needed, at least I made it. And that made mommy feel good.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The First Day of Preschool... that wasn't

Ryan was all set to start preschool today. I checked at our Y a couple of weeks ago if I could get him on the wait list, and miracle of miracles, they had a spot in the Tuesdays and Thursdays PM class. Our town started offering free preschool to 4-year-old's and it wiped out their enrollment. I was ecstatic because I thought we'd have to wait until next fall. Not only did they have an opening, but because they were losing so many to our free program, they lowered the cost - to $96 a month. I know... incomprehensible right?!

I filled out all the paperwork and got him a physical (thankfully he needed no shots). I talked to the director who mentioned that they follow the school schedule of our neighboring town, but that he should be all set to start on the 11th.

Now, I know today was Veteran's Day, (thank you Vets), but I don't have a school-aged child so I had no clue it was a holiday celebrated by having children stay home. Ryan had been waiting for me on the stairs this morning saying, "I start school today mommy!" All of us were beyond excited. I re-arranged my client schedule and was set to meet Mark at 12:30. I got there at 12:15 and thought it curious there were so many kids. 'Why aren't they in school', I thought? Yeah, I'm not the quickest.

Mark and Ryan show up and we enter the building, only to see the preschool room dark as night. As soon as Ryan figured out what that meant, he started crying. I almost did too. We confirmed that everything was closed today and tried to console Ryan with no luck. He was most upset. So to calm him, we let him play for a while in the highly over populated play area and mommy agreed to endure a movie with him, all by myself.

He was great during the movie - Madagascar 2, which was pretty cute - and he was good the entire rest of the afternoon. However, since he now starts on Thursday, I can't go because I have two client meetings that would be interrupted. I am so sad about this. I feel like a horrible mommy that I'm letting work come first, but I jumped through hoops already to reschedule today and I don't think work will look highly upon it (or pay me). I can't believe I'm going to miss the first day of school. I think I'll go take off the first day of kindergarten off now. I know it's a year and a half away, but apparently I need plenty of prep time.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Ryan's Life Lesson #2

Don't tickle a naked child.

Mark was getting Ryan ready to get in the bath and thought it would be cute to tickle him. He was rewarded with a mouthful (and floor-ful) of urine. Do not try this at home.