I hate hump day

Most people normally dread Monday's because it's the signature of "back to the grind" day. Not me, I detest Wednesday. I can already feel the pangs of it as I type this. Tuesday nights are always the hardest for me to fall asleep. I wake with dread about going through my day. I loathe it as much as it is possible to hate a day. What has Wednesday ever done to me? Nothing. It's never called me names or hurt me in any way. It's just a constant reminder that even though I am already exhausted, I still have half my week left. I can almost see it sticking it's tongue and middle appendage out/up at me as I type. F***ing Wednesday.

Sometimes it Helps to Remember

Those closest to me know Mark and I have been having problems for the past few years, basically since Ryan was born. It's been very tough maintaining a marriage with someone you never see. The whole story can be saved for a later day, but he said something the other day that put everything back into perspective.

He had spent a night out with his friends which resulted in a fight (where I kindly locked him out of the house - that he had keys to - and the bedroom - which he does not). We rarely fight. How could we? We never see each other. But we did. Loudly.

Then we made up and this is how. I was wondering how I could go on like this if I didn't even know if we loved each other. Was all this stress worth it? Would it ever get better? Have I been beating my head against a wall for nothing?

What changed my mind? My sweet husband looked at me and said, "if there were a disaster or tragedy that were to happen to you today, who would you want by your side?" I looked at him and then started crying, ok bawling, my eyes out. He's right. Despite everything we've been through I really could not imagine anyone else I would want by me when I felt at my worst, when the world fell down around me, and/or when facing death.

He is the one I love.

Recent Zen Changes

In my striving to become clearer and to get out of my head so much, I used an article sent recently by a friend (ok, ex-boyfriend, but once in a while he does have good ideas). It has many, many tips but my favorite was 72 ways to live a more Zen life. Some worked.

1. This was not on the list but I cleaned my despicable-hate-to-show anyone shower with shampoo. They recommended the clean as you go method which has actually been working out, but a reader posted this tip and it has changed my life. Yes, I get excited by the small things. But I cleaned my shower and crap I haven't been able to get up since moving in came out - with just shampoo! Call me floored. I am no longer embarrassed by it even though it's not likely to make the pages of Home and Garden any time soon.

2. Clean as you go. Basically, if you make a mess, clean it right away. I used to ignore crap and let it sit until Ryan went to bed, and then surprise, I am too tired to keep going. Instead of cleaning what I intended to get to, I'd go to bed. I've been doing it for a week, and my house is all the better for it. So am I. I am not stressed every night worrying about irritating Mark by having the house a mess when he gets home. (Which is a story for another time.)

3. I have slowed down in the car. I drive for work, so I have no way around driving. I have started going "closer" to the speed limit though and it has done three things to make me feel better: it's better for the environment, I use less gas, and I am so much calmer. Not only am I calmer in the car, but I am also calmer when I get to my destinations. When I notice myself speeding, I slow down and take a few deep breaths. I've been amazed at how tense I am. When I stop and think about it I can feel my shoulders hunched and my breath slowing. I consciously make myself stop. Feel better instantly.

4. I have also been meditating while driving (with my eyes open of course). I have a hard time meditating in general because I tend to think too much (also a story for another time). I cannot get into it at home. I always think of something else I need to be doing RIGHT then instead of clearing my head. So when I do it in the car, I have no where else, other than where I am going, to be and no other way of getting there. I don't space out enough to get in an accident or miss my destination, but I do completely and totally focus on the moment.

5. I am taking at least one opportunity every day to focus on something and remember the moment. Yesterday it was taking Ryan to the playground and watching him run with glee all over the damn place. I watched on with a smile, but when the wind picked up and ruffled my hair - that was my moment. I didn't plan it, but I allowed myself to feel it. I was totally present right then and there. Such a rarity for me.

So, go clean your shower with shampoo and let me know how happy it makes you!


Link is: http://zenhabits.net/2008/06/everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-simplifying-your-life-and-way-more/

The "Joys" of Potty Training

This was our third attempt at potty training. I tried getting him used to the potty first when he was about a year and a half old. No dice. He wanted nothing to do with it. He also never minded dirty diapers, so he could care less if he was making a mess. Tried again at about 2 1/2. Figured maybe he was a little older and he'd have more interest. Uh, no. He wouldn't even sit. We kept the potty out all the time and asked him occasionally if he wanted to try it, showed him all the bribes, and stickers, and charts, and he said an unequivocal "NO".

So, at 3 1/4, I decided it was definitely time. He can talk, he can do things on his own, he wants to be a big boy. So... I took him to Target to pick out his own potty. He let me know, finally, that he was scared of all the other potty's we'd tried because he was afraid of falling in or his butt stuck to them. He picked out one he loved and makes music when he goes. It's now a phantom potty though and goes off whenever it wants, not just when he uses it, but... It WORKED! He's not done yet, and still has an accident a day and saves poops for his pull-up right before bed, but one hurdle is down. Can you see my ecstatic face?

The newest thing, and the thing that worked the most? Bribing him with Hulk Hands. He saw them on TV and then in Target, and he flipped over them. I bought them and stuck them on the kitchen counter and told him he could have them when he filled his sticker chart. He only needs three more. Is it weird to be this proud?

My "Irish" Moment

We went to our normal Sunday breakfast today and were enjoying being able to sit outside. Ryan insisted on wearing his Batman pj's, so to stop an argument, we let him, and he got lots of cute comments about his get-up (he did look pretty darn cute). Overall, was an excellent breakfast with no major issues. Until Mark went inside to pay. Ryan wanted to follow him, no big deal. I waited outside and got our stuff together to go. I look up to see Ryan coming out the door and an older woman... dropping... the door... on his hand! He started screaming bloody murder and the woman stops for a second, says nothing, and walks into the restaurant. I was too busy holding and soothing Ryan to say anything to her, but I was marginally upset by it. I hate to see him in pain.

The waiter brought us a cup of ice for his hand and eventually he calmed down all while sporting a huge bruise on his poor little hand. The waiter and waitress' were a bit disgusted, since we are regulars and they know us quite well, and they all comforted him too. It was kind of sweet.

Then we start to walk to the car. I lean over to get Ry into the car and I hear this woman screaming all the expletives one could conjure at her boyfriend/husband, who was pushing a child with a full leg cast in a wheelchair while she was dragging another child by the arm. Did I mention she was screaming? A lot. Before I could stop myself or even knew what I was doing, I started screaming back at her to "Shut the hell up . There are kids all around you and no one needs to hear your bullshit." Yes folks, I responded to her inane ass with more expletives. I have a potty mouth anyway, but this time my point was lost by screaming them back at her. I was livid and unable to contain it. Mark said I was bright red.
I garnered a lot of attention, and, well, it shut her up.

We hopped in the car, in the backseat, and I was still shaking and amazed at what had just come out of me. I can have a short fuse and do have a bad temper, but never like this. Mark was laughing saying, 'it's just the Irish in you.' Yeah, no kidding.

The bad part is, I had to explain to Ryan all the way home how mommy was wrong and should not have screamed at anyone, regardless of how upset they make her. How we don't solve things by screaming. He patted my arm and said "sometimes people are bad mommy." Ah, the words of Batman...