5 most memorable and/or defining moments

Some of these I am not sure even how to start with and I apologize in advance if they make no sense. That's most likely because it's still the way they look in my head. Narrowing them down was also tough - there are so many to choose from. These are basically the ones I spend the most time on in therapy...

1. That Day. I was 15 and had just been fishing with friends. He offered to drive me home. He never did. He drove and drove and drove and then stopped in an apple field. I don't remember much other than the need for kleenex. "Not bad for an old guy, huh?" Dirty, shame, guilt. I know what happened in concept, but not in reality. Most of me is glad to not have recall. Thanks for the suicide attempts, mini-stint into anorexia, many horrible decisions regarding men, the belief that sex = love, drinking binges, and the 18 years of therapy. Appreciate the memories...

2. Turning points. 17. He's leaving for boot camp. Sitting in the crook of his car door, a black tiny little thing, making all the promises in the world. Knowing he was leaving and that things would never be the same. I was right, they weren't. It's not so much him, but that at that point my life changed. He left, I graduated high school, started college. Lived on my own for the first time. Bought into the false promises time and time again (first love never dies, it just tortures you). My life would never have been the same without him, but if he hadn't left, I would not have the life I do now. It taught me that some things do happen for a reason.

3. My first real job. 23, just out of grad school. Don, my boss, my mentor, but more importantly, my surrogate father. He made me truly believe in me for the first time and had me challenge all of the negative self-talk that went on in my head. He got me to love and care for myself in a way I never felt deserving of. Because of him I could have saved countless numbers of kids from harming themselves or others. He taught me what it truly meant to live and to seize each moment because you never know if it will be your last chance to make an impression on the world. His death to this day leaves a gaping hole in my heart. If I could send you a letter to thank you Don, I would.

4. I do. 27. My first experience with unconditional love. I still can't define or understand it to this day, or how he can give it so freely, when I still can't, almost 10 years later. I was lucky enough to marry not only my best friend, but someone who can and does love me despite the faults and who sticks by me even when I sure as hell would not. I married him not only because I loved him, but because he reminds me every day of what I am capable of and what I can aspire to. He makes me a better person and for that I am eternally grateful. (He also contributed half of Ryan's DNA, and for that he's wicked awesome.)

5. "There's two pink lines. No... really, there's two of them." 30. One year of fertility treatments and 1435 (just a guess) pregnancy tests later and we were finally... PREGNANT. Ryan could be this entire post. The multitude of ways he has changed me are mind boggling. I now know why I wanted a child so badly - I need this child in my life. He teaches me my strengths and faults every day. He made me realize there is something more to this life than me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed and to keep fighting. He makes me believe things I once deemed impossible are only just a few short steps past my comfort zone. He makes me want to be the very best me I can be because he needs me to show him that he can and will do anything.

I am hoping that the future will hold different memories so one or two can get knocked off the list.



****Correction Manda- so many people have *tried* to damage us, but we persevered despite them. We are a pretty amazing group of women who found each other for a reason. It took me so long to write this, and left me with the taste of vomit in the back of my throat, but as I wrote I felt freed from some heavy burdens for having shared everything. I do not share easily (as most of you know) so it means I trust you all A LOT. Thanks for letting me feel safe enough to do so.

And to those potential strangers reading - for once I do not feel ashamed of what someone else did to me. If we are not quiet about what some really f*ed up people do, then it might not happen to someone else.****

Movie theaters, a 3-year-old, and parents do not mix

We decided to take Ryan to go see Wall E today. Good idea right? Good choice for a first movie theater experience? Hell no. He asked so many questions at full volume we were getting dirty looks: Where'd Wall E go mommy?, who's Eve?, why did they do that?, where are they?, where are they going?, what's that?, and on and on and on.... I have no idea what the hell happened because I didn't actually see any of it. I think I spent half of it in the bathroom encouraging him to use the potty (he didn't and promptly did it as soon as we got in the car, argh). Not only was it a bad experience for me, but it caused Mark and I to bicker as soon as we got in the car because, "He's not bothering me as much as he is you." Oh really, well, my dear husband, who's lap did he sit in for most of the movie? Who fielded most of the questions? Who took him to the bathroom where he proceeded to ask questions about feminine hygiene products??? WHOOOOO? ME.

In short, get DVD's, microwave popcorn, and sit on your own damn couch and you will be more likely to come out of the experience with your sanity intact.

I hate hump day

Most people normally dread Monday's because it's the signature of "back to the grind" day. Not me, I detest Wednesday. I can already feel the pangs of it as I type this. Tuesday nights are always the hardest for me to fall asleep. I wake with dread about going through my day. I loathe it as much as it is possible to hate a day. What has Wednesday ever done to me? Nothing. It's never called me names or hurt me in any way. It's just a constant reminder that even though I am already exhausted, I still have half my week left. I can almost see it sticking it's tongue and middle appendage out/up at me as I type. F***ing Wednesday.

Sometimes it Helps to Remember

Those closest to me know Mark and I have been having problems for the past few years, basically since Ryan was born. It's been very tough maintaining a marriage with someone you never see. The whole story can be saved for a later day, but he said something the other day that put everything back into perspective.

He had spent a night out with his friends which resulted in a fight (where I kindly locked him out of the house - that he had keys to - and the bedroom - which he does not). We rarely fight. How could we? We never see each other. But we did. Loudly.

Then we made up and this is how. I was wondering how I could go on like this if I didn't even know if we loved each other. Was all this stress worth it? Would it ever get better? Have I been beating my head against a wall for nothing?

What changed my mind? My sweet husband looked at me and said, "if there were a disaster or tragedy that were to happen to you today, who would you want by your side?" I looked at him and then started crying, ok bawling, my eyes out. He's right. Despite everything we've been through I really could not imagine anyone else I would want by me when I felt at my worst, when the world fell down around me, and/or when facing death.

He is the one I love.

Recent Zen Changes

In my striving to become clearer and to get out of my head so much, I used an article sent recently by a friend (ok, ex-boyfriend, but once in a while he does have good ideas). It has many, many tips but my favorite was 72 ways to live a more Zen life. Some worked.

1. This was not on the list but I cleaned my despicable-hate-to-show anyone shower with shampoo. They recommended the clean as you go method which has actually been working out, but a reader posted this tip and it has changed my life. Yes, I get excited by the small things. But I cleaned my shower and crap I haven't been able to get up since moving in came out - with just shampoo! Call me floored. I am no longer embarrassed by it even though it's not likely to make the pages of Home and Garden any time soon.

2. Clean as you go. Basically, if you make a mess, clean it right away. I used to ignore crap and let it sit until Ryan went to bed, and then surprise, I am too tired to keep going. Instead of cleaning what I intended to get to, I'd go to bed. I've been doing it for a week, and my house is all the better for it. So am I. I am not stressed every night worrying about irritating Mark by having the house a mess when he gets home. (Which is a story for another time.)

3. I have slowed down in the car. I drive for work, so I have no way around driving. I have started going "closer" to the speed limit though and it has done three things to make me feel better: it's better for the environment, I use less gas, and I am so much calmer. Not only am I calmer in the car, but I am also calmer when I get to my destinations. When I notice myself speeding, I slow down and take a few deep breaths. I've been amazed at how tense I am. When I stop and think about it I can feel my shoulders hunched and my breath slowing. I consciously make myself stop. Feel better instantly.

4. I have also been meditating while driving (with my eyes open of course). I have a hard time meditating in general because I tend to think too much (also a story for another time). I cannot get into it at home. I always think of something else I need to be doing RIGHT then instead of clearing my head. So when I do it in the car, I have no where else, other than where I am going, to be and no other way of getting there. I don't space out enough to get in an accident or miss my destination, but I do completely and totally focus on the moment.

5. I am taking at least one opportunity every day to focus on something and remember the moment. Yesterday it was taking Ryan to the playground and watching him run with glee all over the damn place. I watched on with a smile, but when the wind picked up and ruffled my hair - that was my moment. I didn't plan it, but I allowed myself to feel it. I was totally present right then and there. Such a rarity for me.

So, go clean your shower with shampoo and let me know how happy it makes you!


Link is: http://zenhabits.net/2008/06/everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-simplifying-your-life-and-way-more/