5 most memorable and/or defining moments

Some of these I am not sure even how to start with and I apologize in advance if they make no sense. That's most likely because it's still the way they look in my head. Narrowing them down was also tough - there are so many to choose from. These are basically the ones I spend the most time on in therapy...

1. That Day. I was 15 and had just been fishing with friends. He offered to drive me home. He never did. He drove and drove and drove and then stopped in an apple field. I don't remember much other than the need for kleenex. "Not bad for an old guy, huh?" Dirty, shame, guilt. I know what happened in concept, but not in reality. Most of me is glad to not have recall. Thanks for the suicide attempts, mini-stint into anorexia, many horrible decisions regarding men, the belief that sex = love, drinking binges, and the 18 years of therapy. Appreciate the memories...

2. Turning points. 17. He's leaving for boot camp. Sitting in the crook of his car door, a black tiny little thing, making all the promises in the world. Knowing he was leaving and that things would never be the same. I was right, they weren't. It's not so much him, but that at that point my life changed. He left, I graduated high school, started college. Lived on my own for the first time. Bought into the false promises time and time again (first love never dies, it just tortures you). My life would never have been the same without him, but if he hadn't left, I would not have the life I do now. It taught me that some things do happen for a reason.

3. My first real job. 23, just out of grad school. Don, my boss, my mentor, but more importantly, my surrogate father. He made me truly believe in me for the first time and had me challenge all of the negative self-talk that went on in my head. He got me to love and care for myself in a way I never felt deserving of. Because of him I could have saved countless numbers of kids from harming themselves or others. He taught me what it truly meant to live and to seize each moment because you never know if it will be your last chance to make an impression on the world. His death to this day leaves a gaping hole in my heart. If I could send you a letter to thank you Don, I would.

4. I do. 27. My first experience with unconditional love. I still can't define or understand it to this day, or how he can give it so freely, when I still can't, almost 10 years later. I was lucky enough to marry not only my best friend, but someone who can and does love me despite the faults and who sticks by me even when I sure as hell would not. I married him not only because I loved him, but because he reminds me every day of what I am capable of and what I can aspire to. He makes me a better person and for that I am eternally grateful. (He also contributed half of Ryan's DNA, and for that he's wicked awesome.)

5. "There's two pink lines. No... really, there's two of them." 30. One year of fertility treatments and 1435 (just a guess) pregnancy tests later and we were finally... PREGNANT. Ryan could be this entire post. The multitude of ways he has changed me are mind boggling. I now know why I wanted a child so badly - I need this child in my life. He teaches me my strengths and faults every day. He made me realize there is something more to this life than me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed and to keep fighting. He makes me believe things I once deemed impossible are only just a few short steps past my comfort zone. He makes me want to be the very best me I can be because he needs me to show him that he can and will do anything.

I am hoping that the future will hold different memories so one or two can get knocked off the list.



****Correction Manda- so many people have *tried* to damage us, but we persevered despite them. We are a pretty amazing group of women who found each other for a reason. It took me so long to write this, and left me with the taste of vomit in the back of my throat, but as I wrote I felt freed from some heavy burdens for having shared everything. I do not share easily (as most of you know) so it means I trust you all A LOT. Thanks for letting me feel safe enough to do so.

And to those potential strangers reading - for once I do not feel ashamed of what someone else did to me. If we are not quiet about what some really f*ed up people do, then it might not happen to someone else.****